Upcoming Series: Lets Rip My Story Apart

A few years ago, I finished writing my second-ever novel, and the first-ever one I was proud of. It's a confusing book about characters doing seemingly-entertaining things in a seemingly-entertaining universe. Upon re-reading it recently, I realized several things, the first of which was that the story itself was quite bad. The second was that it badly needs to be re-tooled, re-written or scrapped completely.

Here's where things get fun for you, gentle reader; I'm going to be taking Steven King's advice from On Writing. I'm going to murder my darlings, (meaning my story), and I'm going to do it in public, neighbors be damned! This Friday I'll be posting the first bit, and hopefully I can stick with it this time. It'll be a learning experience for everyone! 

To avoid accidentally getting the book stolen and published (as if) from this blog, I'm going to be editing select "problematic" segments, completely out of order. That way the thief will actually have to put some effort into their theft.

Breezy Writing (Originally written in April, 2009)

A Black Hole

The ship was being pulled toward the black hole, completely unable to save itself. The crew, naturally, was in quite a panic. Captain Marcus, who was usually quite cool-headed, wasn't himself; of course, if your ship was about to plummet into a black hole and then be compressed into singularity, you'd be worried too. No one had ever gone through and lived, or so the science books claimed. Captain Marcus didn't have much use for that kind of knowledge, as he thought of it as defeatist rubbish.

Flint, the ship's sole remaining mechanic, was the least panicked of those on board. Although he knew all of the science behind black holes, and then some, he felt a sudden lightness. This was, in all likelihood, due to the drugs he had taken moments before, washed down with the strongest liquor aboard the ship, which Flint had brewed himself. It also might have been gasoline.

There was a sound like whales mating, which of course would have been much more frightening, as the ship entered the tear in space. The metal and rivets groaned their complaint, a loud, jarring, scraping roar that became upsetting after only a moment.

"It just figures," Flint thought, his drug-addled mind momentarily pulling him back to the real world, "I just bought that new boat."

The rest of the crew were experiencing similar thoughts, although none of theirs involved boats, and only a few of them were affected by drugs and liquor. The groaning of the ship increased in volume, bringing with it bone-rattling vibration, which served to make what remained of the crew's lives somewhat more uncomfortable, except for Flint, who found it soothing to his head, which had begun to hurt.

It didn't take long for the ship to make it through. In fact, the crew was rather surprised to find that they were not only still alive, but the ship seemed to be in one piece. The view screens didn't seem to work, but there was a single window that Captain Marcus had had installed because he "didn't trust the technology very much."

Through the window, which everyone had promptly crowded around, they could see the space on the other side of space, which turned out to be white. As regular space is black as night, of course inverted space is white. It was much like being in a Microsoft Word document, or a blank sheet of canvas. The stars shone like black rubies in the white expanse of space.

"Of course," said Flint to the gathered crew, "there's probably air our here as well, since our space has none."

Strangely, the crew found that to be a rather logical conclusion, and before anyone could stop him, Ensign Privy had flung open the bay door and stepped out into space. He had failed to realize that, since our space has no gravity, negative space would, and he fell until he hit a planet, some three-hundred million miles away. The fall wouldn't kill him but the starvation would. The people on the planet were very much like the people on ours, except they didn't care about saving their planet, and they respected one another. So actually, it wasn't anything like our planet.

Movie Review: Doom (2005)

There's an old joke that says the best parts of a movie are usually shown in the trailer. This isn't true here, because most of the parts you see in the trailer weren't good.

Lets get it out of the way; this movie is bad. This movie is a cash-in; a “didn't-need-to-be-made” movie. The writing, acting, set design and nearly everything else is mediocre and bland. But what were you expecting? It's based on a 1993 video game of the same name, and video game movies are almost always bad! But bad movies need love too, which is why I'm watching it. I also watched the Mummy 3 around the same time, so I might do a review on that later.

As always, if you plan on seeing this movie (for whatever reason) I'm gonna spoil just about everything. The movie is five years old at this point, so it's not exactly fresh news.

Prepare to be amazed

The movie begins with a fairly original take on the Universal Studios logo; instead of Earth it's Mars, which might very well be the most original part of the movie. The plot begins with a hallway full of scientists running in terror from an Unseen Terror. We meet the head scientist named Doctor Carmack (named after the co-founder of id Software, John Carmack) who is apparently eaten by the monster. Cut to a roomful of what Hollywood imagines U.S. Marines to act like. They're all boring character archetypes, from the typical Black stereotypes, to the token religious guy who wears a cross, carries a Bible and quotes that handful of Bible verses that the general public will recognize. Their names are even horribly standard things like Sarge, Reaper and “The Kid.” Look at the top billed actors and their character names. LOOK AT THEM.

"Mars looks surprisingly similar to a featureless cement bunker!"

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death," says the religious character, not bothering to finish the rest of the verse.

"Hey, I know that!" says a random audience member, "that's from the Bible! Why's that guy carving a cross into his arm? Christians ARE crazy!"

This merry band of marines are only moments away from what they call “R&R time” which is an excuse for this perverted character to wear a flowery shirt and for another man to play the chunkiest game system since the Sega Nomad. This is strange, because this is supposed to be something like 45 years in the future.

He supplies 90% of the R rating! What a delightful character!

Cool technology -- for 1985

Before long, the marines are sent to something called the Ark, an ancient underground portal from Earth to Mars built by ancient humans (or something, they don't go into much more detail). I'll pause to say this: In the movie there were a few seemingly-interesting science fiction ideas like the aforementioned Ark and later on, a nano-wall. Strangely, I got the feeling that these ideas were probably stolen in large part from other, better science fiction books and movies. Nothing else in the movie is original, and so I suspect plagiarism. 

You need the Green keycard

Basically the Ark is a convenient tool to cut down on the three (or is it five?) month trip it would actually take someone on Earth to get to Mars. Upon arrival at Mars, the marines discover that everything is... fine. Scientists and families are going about their lives, business as usual, with no apparent threat to be found! Hmm. That changes soon enough, though.

This is the "Ark" transport. It's like Galaxy Quest, except you barf once you're there.

Quickly, people start getting killed in surprisingly boring ways, including that nano-wall I mentioned. I guess I can explain it now; it's a wall that can turn transparent to let people pass through. While this initially sounds like a cool idea, I realize that there are several flaws with this design, including one that occurs during the movie:

1: What's so bad about a regular door?

2: What happens if the power dies and your door/wall won't close or open completely? (Seen in the movie)

3: Why add this door if your special effects budget can't produce a very good effect?

4: What's so bad about a regular door?!

The answer to all of these is this: 

So you can make your rubber monster get trapped in the wall.

That's right: This entire technology was developed so it could produce some cheap thrills in this one scene. It's used in a later scene, apparently unable to seal completely and letting monsters get at the main characters. I hope my tax dollars didn't pay for that!

Here's the wall when it's in "door" mode

Anyway, eventually they discover that it's not really demons breaking through, like it was in the games. Rather, it's a virus that the scientists made that will turn you into a monster or a super-human based on how good of a person you are. Nevermind the fact that they completely disregard the lore of the game (Hell breaking through on Mars); nevermind the fact that many people have wildly varying definitions of what it means to be a "good person;" instead, lets focus on why exactly scientists would have a need of such a virus. In the movie, it's explained that there's some kind of archaeological dig site on mars that has turned up "neanderthal skeletons" (even the evolutionists are scratching their head on that one), who happen to have 24 chromosomes instead of the usual 23. 

We have 46 chromosomes, guys. FORTY SIX. The only part of you that has 23 'somes are the cells used for reproduction. Thank YOU, biology! I guess they could have meant 24 PAIRS of chromosomes, which would equal 48 total, but that would just mean a person would have an extra toe or something. Hmm. 

Wait, WHAT?

Biology complaints: Complete.

Anyway, because of this amazing "synthetic chromosome," these ancient Martian people could live long, heal faster than Wolverine and were excellent at slalom and long-jumping. I might've made up that last part. Soon, the hero character (Eomer from Lord of the Rings or Bones from J.J. Abrams Star Trek) is exposed to the serum and turns into what is essentially an X-man, while the Rock starts to turn into one of those creatures. They fight, good wins, the end. Lets dissect some writing!

This expression represents my thoughts on this movie exactly

You can barely see the Rock because this movie is dark most of the time

This movie seems to have been made around one important feature: Lets say Carmack's name as much as possible. Which they do about twenty times during the movie. They even try to make Carmack more important than any crazy scientist has a right to be. He doesn't have "Doc Brown" importance. In fact, he doesn't even have "R2-D2" importance. All he does is send a transmission for help in the first scene, and later turns into a crazy monster and attacks people. It's like the film was written by someone who had never written anything before. IMDB informs me that it took two guys to write this!

Shame shame, I really DO know your name.

The character development for literally every character in the movie is non-existant. Apart from learning their ridiculous names, as a viewer, I didn't care when Duke gets pulled through a grate to his death, or when the Rock (Spoilers again!) shoots The Kid for insubordination. 

"Who are these people again?" I thought, yawning.

The plot itself follows the games well enough, I suppose. I mean, Doom isn't exactly known for its amazing story, but just because something is based on a boring license doesn't mean it has to be terrible. It's still rigidly formulaic. Marines sweep location for monster. Monster kills marines. One or two escape. Cue sequel? It worked well for Predator, Aliens, and countless other movies that followed this exact formula, but this movie didn't succeed in any way, and I'm pretty sure there's never gonna be a sequel. Oh yeah, and there's the first-person-shooter part, which is laughably ridiculous. 

A portion of the movie revolves around Eomer's relationship with his sister (pictured below). As far as I can tell, Karl Urban (the actor who plays Eomer) is a New Zealander while his "sister" in the film is from London. The only thing they have in common is that they're faking American accents in a crappy movie. Otherwise, the writers try feebly (and consequently, fail completely) to make the characters reconcile their differences (which aren't really shown to the audience to begin with) and make them grow as characters. It's strange, because that's the only "love" story you get in the movie. Frankly, the movie didn't NEED a leading man hanging out with his little sister for the whole movie. It's not as important as the killing.

"I'm really British, you foolish Yanks!"

Now, I played Doom 3 when it came out in 2004. It's not the best game in the world: lots of shooting, lots of zombies popping out of magic closets right behind you, et cetera. Weirdly, if they had taken the exact script from that game and filmed it, it would have been a better movie than this. My verdict:

The Good:

The actors did the best they could with what they were given

Cool references to the games (you see a yellow door, a green keycard, the BFG and famous monsters from the game)

The Universal Mars logo was neat

The Bad:

The Writing, cinematography, set design, plot, characterization, coloration, prop quality

Movie is so dark that you can hardly see most of the time

The characters have no common sense

Has surprisingly little to do with source material aside from the name

Mediocre special effects, rubber suits

1/5